The darkness always comes and when it does it feels as though I’m welcoming an old friend. It is my belief that we all experience pain differently but when it comes to falling into that dark pit of hopelessness, I can’t help but believe that what others feel are the internal sensations I also experience. After coming in and out of these periods all my life it is now that I consider these moments as inspiration. I no longer lock myself away and instead find a way to express what I am feeling. It is during these times that I feel the most creative.
Understanding that I’m in the beginnings of a creative blip has been possible because I’ve grown tenfold in the past two years and can now keep aware of my emotional state. Not only that but contact with an old muse has re-centered me.
It took me few days to recognize what I was feeling this time and it all arose from doubt that I deserve what I am getting in life. When most people say that they don’t feel that they deserve what they’re getting they’re typically upset about getting handed a raw deal. In my case everything is going great. Grad school is well, I’m emotionally stable, my finances are great, and I’m enjoying being a father to my wonderful children. If you’re still reading this, you probably think that I should stop writing and should get back to my life yet I can’t help but over think, in my typical fashion, why I feel that I don’t deserve these things.
I think of myself as undeserving due to my social conditioning that I need to be in a certain socio-economic state because of my “humble” beginnings. I wonder to myself how many other individuals feel that they don’t deserve the good things that life has granted them or that their accomplishments need to be diminished because they have a complex about being praised, as I do.
I think to myself that maybe I should just buckle down and work a normal job to provide for my kids instead of following my dreams but then I remember that doing what I love is the best example I could set for my children. I’m surrounded by amazing, intelligent, emotionally-evolved, and inspiring people.
As many of my colleagues have, I have worked hard for the opportunities that I have been presented with and deserve everything in my life, for better or worse.
So now I welcome the darkness because it allows me to look within and grow. To love, to share, to create.