Maybe I’m Not Funny?

Despite having been in relationships, I don’t ever think I have ever been loved romatically to the capacity that I love others.  When I like someone, I give myself to them.  Some think that it’s too much and that I must play the game of pretending not to care but that’s just not who I am.

It comes off as ingenuine to me and I don’t want to start something based of manipulation.  It seems like most relationships these days are based in a power struggle. If this is the only way one can find love then I want nothing to do with it. I’d rather have genuine friendships than manipulative relationships.

Something real and long lasting is all I ask for.  Maybe I’m just not funny enough to sweep a woman off her feet.  I make it seem like I try to hard and that maybe I’m picking out poor matches when in reality these women tend to just happen to me when I’m not looking.  It makes it all that much more tragic.  I’ll be doing just fine and going about my life when out of nowhere they crash into my soul and ruin me all over again.

Don’t let your guard down so easily is what I have been told. It’s not that I let my guard down it’s just that it seems like the universe knows when to strike.

Universe: He’s perfectly happy on his own right now and doesn’t need anyone.  Lets fuck up his shit.

Eventually they lose interest and I’m left there with an emptiness inside all over again.  A part of me never stops loving these women.  I just love them in a different way.  More of a grateful way.  I’m thankful to them for having let me down once more.  For having toughened me up a little more.  For teaching me a lesson about life, once more.

All I know is that I have never felt like the center of someone’s universe or loved in a head over heels sort of way.  That kind of hurts.  Who am I kidding, it hurts a lot.  Such is life I guess.  I’ll go on and wait for the next one to destroy me.

Or maybe, I’m not funny enough.

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