This morning I woke up pondering where I am in my life and how despite my natural desire to sweep a woman off her feet that I need to let time heal and to be patient. “After all, love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” Despite this being a biblical sitation, I’m not a religious man and only recently found a sort of non-traditional spirituality that best suits my… personality.
I decided to write about how I was feeling but as my day started happening I found myself pushing it back. This only forced me to dwell on my thoughts and to struggle with the ups and downs of my rationalization. It wasn’t until end of my day that I realized I had come full circle to my initial thoughts of this morning. Love is patient, kind, and is not proud. My initial gut instinct was right all along.
All too often I find myself caught up in seeing how my life isn’t that I fail to see how lucky I am to have all that I’ve got. Kind and loving children, an understanding family, and non-judgemental friends. Most of all is the capacity to love. In love we tend to doubt ourselves and sabbotage something that we may actually want. We do it out of the need to self-preserve. Feeling hurt is what we avoid to the point that we would rather not feel. We forgot how to trust ourselves. We must choose to feel regardless of where that leads us.
The person I may have feelings may not be in a place to feel, love, or be romantic and that’s okay. This is just how life plays out sometimes. In my new found spirituality I’ve found that I must not rush things and though I’m not giving up I accept that after some time things will change.
I don’t believe that anyone falls out of love but that the love changes. I use love now because that’s what it is now and that can easily turn into love for a friend or just a melancholy sort of love of a happy point in ones life. Time will definitely tell.
Time is something that I have been guilty of taking for granted along with my generation. We must enjoy the process. All technology does is create distance and a disconnect. A need for instant gratification because we now have the whole world at our finger tips, why not love as well.
I recognize the irony of my blog yet I write it so that I can have some peace of mind and in hopes that others may relate. Maybe even some positive affirmation. I am, only human. My intention is not for this to be some romantic gesture that someone may find later.
Back to the point, I do find myself trapped by technology though. I sometimes wish I lived in a time when people who liked one another still spoke and had to meet up in order to connect. All we have now is a tenuous digital connection of contsant nothingness. Exchanging likes of instagram photos or facebook posts in order to demonstrate our interest and to feel better about our utter lack of effort.
It is a difficult time to be a romantic although I must try. I cannot change my ways. It’s engrained. If I feel, I must express. I will continue down my path and all signs point to me moving on but never really forgetting the way the butterflies made me feel. It will be a long time before I can say I’ve moved on but maybe just maybe nothing will change on my end and the stars align for an experience of a life time.
All I can do now is wait and be the best human being that I can, and stick to my gut.